abt mE..

2007-04-03T05:25:00.000+08:00

wenT home straight aft work.
cos i'm currently quitting on gambling.
n i'm afraid tat my hands will itchy.
was tired n tot of sleep early n i slept at 2am.
FIAK. wake to pee at 4am n i cant fucking sleep at all now.
its a TORTURE to me to stare at e ceiling fer hours.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

nothing special.
werk smoothli n happily.

All i wanna say is he had been as per normal disturbing me at werk n call me when i reach home asking tis n tat but in my heart i know tat we both din dare to discuss e main TOPIC n we're both running away from it.why can he treat like nothing happen aft i told him we're finished?wad is in his mind?i simply dunno,n i din dare to rise any qn. will it be better if we treat tat nothing happened? i doubt. n e fact is it did happen. i simply dunno where is my next step. walk ahead?u-turn?turn left to others? so many qn spinning around my head at tis moment.

Well.. although i know it's useless dwelling over matters.but i cant stop thinking as i'm facing him everyday now. everyone asks me to follow my heart. seriously, i dunno wad my heart wants n says now.

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo misTy.

2007-04-02T08:20:00.000+08:00

back to blog.

i'm jus too lazy to update at times.
've been shitting well.
eating well.
werkin well.
sleeping well.
n yea not fergettin winning well.

i've so many WHY-s in my mind now.
-WHY is it so difficult to ferget u?
-WHY did u call me again when i've used to without u?
-WHY did u always wanna disturb me when i was werking?
-WHY i jus cant get u off totally in my life?
-WHY is it so difficult to just give u a tight slap n ask u to wake up ya mind?

so many WHY WHY WHY.

nO wonder my life is so wywy now.

i'm tired.
pinning my hopes fer e trip next week to get me answers fer e WHYSSSSSSS.

2007-03-19T15:49:00.000+08:00

Well.. reach werk on time ytd.. great fucking weather..making me feelin so figetted in e afternoon..but gets better when its later..busy day..as usual fighting n quarrelin n throwing of pan n plates is so wonderful n exciting today..

Russel brought siping to look fer me Nise n dai fei came next they waited fer me to knock off..so touched n they ate 3 crabs..[dun say i nv blog abt u hor]..

we quarrel again..he dun understand my "KuXin' .. tis time round i wun ask fer a fight or say break off i'll jus fucking hack care.. i' jus fighting tired of stuffs like happi a day sad a day..

wad number shall i buy 4 TOTO tonight???

2007-03-18T01:37:00.000+08:00

it's a beautiful n wonderful day, although it's quite tiring at work.. darling acc me all e whole afternoon.. i went back home straight away with no interest in gambling..darling called n we chat fer almost 45mins on e topic"I MUZ EAT" funni stuffs rite.. well haben been eating well these days..jus simpli no appetite at all.. n he do his rounding as usual today[ to see if i got eat dinner] n saw me not eating anything.. well.. he started his nagging again non stop.. i feel quite sweet as he is so concernm abt me but on e other hand like so being force to EAT..

i enjoy tat though..
i'm jus being fan jian..
sometimes i wan shout out loud to u dat u r simply jus so sweet n cute..
n i m not sure to be happi or sad tat my boyfriend wans me to be fat..
looking on e brighter side, many gals envy me..
i'm jus trying to deceive moiself.. LOL;

*yawn*
nites dearies..

2007-03-17T02:39:00.000+08:00

it's been ages since i've blog..well, i'm jus being so lazy :x .. life's still undergoing difficulties n bad cycles[me&him]..
Well wad i have to say is, everybody sees us as lovely dovey.. like how fortunate n lovely i was wit him..but e fact is not so.. i envy couples tat can intro their another party to their family frens or loved ones n shout out to e whole world tat him/her belongs to them.. n go wherever they like despite of having any worries..

i'm tired once again..i wan to let the world know tat shan's tired.. i reali pray to god to let either SHE or ME to die first i dun mind if its me but at least no one suffers in end..tat's e inner ugly of me..i really wish tat i've e courage to tell him how i feel w/o any arguin.. n how i wish i could tell him i've fallen fer another guy so tat he will hate me n carry on happi life wit HER.. but i'm lack of tat courage to lose him..tis makes me feel so terrible..damn terrible..

how long can i endure?
how long can we be together?
how long i will love u?
how long i've to suffer summor?

simpli jus qn marks..

i hate myself fer loving u..
i mean it..

2007-02-23T06:52:00.000+08:00

it had been sometimes since i blog cos i'm damn busy..cny till now can say its a fat year fer me, had won abt $300+ but no use eh all using to return debts.. its a so weird year fer me as i sleep all e way at home on e second day..n its like so many bad news tis cny, first russel grandmother die,second my god mum's grandmother die,third my cousin's cousin's baby died,n lastly ah zhai accident in johor luckily not tat serious..i hope n wish all bad things come to a full stop..

we went to furama hotel fer reunion dinner tis year, not bad, delicious.. went to grandmother hse on e first day wit not enuff slp n follow on to granny hse then to irene hse..3 sleepless nite until i cant take it anymore n sleep e whole day at home on e second day jus hack care all phone calls, tis cny is nothin special all i rmb is slp slp slp.. n win win win.. lol..

as fer me n him..cycle repeats.. he called on e eve n ask me wads wrong n i m confusing him, he say he wun let go unless i dun love him anymore n i've found someone better then him.. i still loves him alot..i know..he called everyday talkin to me.. n we went out together on tues.. i enjoyed on tat day.. i dunno how to explain how i feel.. i'm trying hard very hard to get myself to be contented at tis very moment..but deep down i still have so many complains tat i dun wanna say out.. y? can anione tell me y i've so much time to think? if i carry on like tat i'll get crazy n even he will be crazy too.. i feel so sad so bad..

crazy life,i'm having now..

2007-02-13T04:50:00.000+08:00

Finally..it's slightly "ENG" a bit today at work..woke up at 2pm, n received call frm candy asking me go werk..actuali its moi off day todae de lor..PISSED.. but no choice i cannot let them die mah..

He's still like before, talk to me like nothin happens aft seein my break up msg..he is treating watever i say as bullshit..FINE!! i'll show u tis time round i'm not joking, i reply a sentence when he ask me a qn i guess he knows tat i didnt wanna talk to him much.. he only take tat i'm in a crazy period now n choose jus to hack care first..anyway, i dun care so much now..i'll show u i'm not fooling u tis time round..

went to k box wit niang,candy n lao tou zi.. great fun..althought they often fight but as an outsider u will confirm know deep down in their heart they love one another so much.. i love them as much as my parents, todae lao tou zi say in a serious manner tat he dotes me most in 10 miles, i'm so touched although i long time ago know le.. they r like moi second parents, their tolerence n love is much far away as u can think to me.. i love them..

aft readin my dearest yuen's blog.. i feel so sorry as i noe he nids me now but i simply jus cant walk away frm werk,..

relationship is easy to get in but so damn difficult to mantain.. but i learn frm a deary today to look on e brighter side..maybe.. as u will feel better n remains happi everyday..thanks gal..u knw whu u r..

i reali loves my werk, everyone there cos they gave me different of laughters n happiness everyday n therefore i wun think to much or i'll get depression one day..

to all:
everyone has their own sadness n difficulties n feel lonely but try to think in a positive way n life can be as wonderful as it can be..throw away all unhappiness n sadness when u get in to sleep n get a fresh when u wake up..life is short..nobody knows wads gonna happen tomorrow..so live ya life to e fullest everyday.. wad a person achieve in life is not determined by jus a CERT or how clever u r it is determined by being who u r.. n wad u have done fer urself in ya entire life..dun regret when u get old n grumble over it..so be happi everyday n enjoy ya life..

as fer me,i simply get e picture clear tat i live on fer my two sets of parents n myself..n i feel happi abt it..i dun wish to think abt relationship as i still dunno how to handle n mantain well..being single is a relieve at times, n i'm doing a gd deed by returning him back..tat's e most i can do to repent my mistake to her..god bless him n her..not fergettin my dearest mum dad niang laode sis yuen nise pat russel candy.. i love u guys!!!!

i'm tired n nid to meet my darling "ZHOU GONG"..
nites..

2007-02-12T05:15:00.000+08:00

Fuking busy weekend.. ytd werk till pants oso wanna drop le today leh even worst..nbcb..e crowd n ppl dun stop frm 6pm till finish werk.. ambulance nearly came n fetch me n candy as we're short handed n only me n candy werkin outside lor.. sales hits 5000 bucks in two days..

feelin kinda sad, alot of thingy, but dun noe where to start n how to start, aniwae i jus hope tat cny faster past, i crazy go send msg to break up with him again,cos i feel tat he's not e one i wan, like he dun do watever i'm yearnin fer, i love him,i trust tat he loves me too but it's jus, i dunno reali, i jus feel tat i'm taking him fer granted n sianX, as he report to me everyday,it's not e LI i noe last time, life had been alwaes contradictin fer me..i simpli dunno wad m i doing n wtf i wan.. i'm jus tired n e fact is i'm not happi at most of e time..

another saddenin thing is tat i feel tat my "sisters & brothers" are still doing so well n life is like so colorful without me.. i dun seems to be like even anything to frens now, they wun contact me if i dun..n whenever i feel so sad, its jus e wrong time, they dun have time fer me n i dun wanna bother them oso, all i wan now is silence.. i wanna evacuate moiself in my own world.. life is so sad fer me sumtimes i simpli dunno wad's e point to have me in e world..

my only support is moi mum.. i'm serious, i loves moi mum, she is alwaes there fer me when i need her n she reali dotes on me alot..as fer moi dad, i miss him,he had been so busy tat i hardly see him or even hear frm him.. i miss moi dad.. i love him i'm calling him now to tell him..

i live on fer my mum n dad, tats my calling..other then my family,i will jus evacuate away frm[including him]n live in moi own world including him..

P.S:Dun nid to have any reaction aft seein tis post..thanks..

2007-02-08T04:53:00.000+08:00

where shall i start from???okie..date by date..

8th feb 07-
fuking mummy put my aeroplane lor, say wanna come home make egg rolls fer cny in e end call me early in e morning sayin she come menses stomach damn pain then cant do lor..well "LIKE DAUGHTER LIKE MOTHER"..i oso alwaes put ppl's aeroplane..lolz..so i plan to sleep till i "SONG" liao then go rebonding but plan totally spoilt when biatchy Ros came bashing my door at 3 pm..force me go shopping with her lor so we met mum n uncle at bugis..we saw a "BIRD GOD"thingy then me n ros go let him "suan ming" he is quite accurate fer saying my past n so on n he goes on sayin abt my future, he says i will at least marry 2 guys n above in my life due to my bad temper n "guys character"n say my marriage age is ard 24 n he say tis all is wad my 8 character in chinese tells him then i was like..wtf.. at least marry twice n above in my life??? gosh.. it is to be believe or not..aniwae i bought a tube dress in bugis fer cny in bugis n reach home at 11pm plus..darling came up n acc me.. tis time round he talk abt his school days last time tellin me how cheeky n naughty he was n all those damn funny stuff n we hug to sleep..

at tat moment i feel tat i'm e most fortunate gal in e world..

Lub darLI..

2007-02-08T04:38:00.000+08:00

as cny is drawing near..werkin is so fuking busy n sales hits 1000 plus tis few weekdays n 2000 plus on weekend..me n candy like werk till pants oso drop le..

i went to werk at 5 n therefore i didnt buy e cny decorations again.fuking late..i was like playin during werkin cos keep singin enjoyin all e way..especially when darlin is washing his car behind we kept winkin at each other n its like i feel i'm most fortunate gal in e world at tat min..being FORCE to play cards todae lose a few bucks i thinkbut dalin send me hm..so sweet..aniwae i'm jus showing off tat we r so loving.. lolx

saddenin to say..he wun be able to acc during valentine as SHE will not be werkin on tat day cos to do cny cleanin.. but its alright la i'll be werkin so .. think will have busy day again..its now so late n i still not feelin tired leh.. mummy is coming hm tml to do egg rolls, she say will reach hm aat 7 plus but i think she black smoke de lor.. so i intend to give her a mornin call at 6 am..i hope she wun kill me fer goodness sake..i think i will go rebond my hair fer cny n say bye bye to my"PONG SAI GAO" hair which have follow me fer 18++ years..
very excited see rite, wait lor.. i do ler tml upload..

nites dears'

2007-02-07T03:11:00.000+08:00

gettin lazier n lazier to blog..

ytd went to JB find shang zhen wit russel n nise loon n yung ling came along at nite..all i rmb is we had loads of fun n funs..we ate sushi fer lunch n seafoood fer dinner..aniwae i lazy lar wan noe more go see russel n nise's blog.. i onli rmb we had loads of laughter along e journey..

e purpose i blog today is .. him again.. i feel tat aft e last fight we had he become like everyday report to me call me when he reach hm n so on n dunno is i jian or wad i like had no strong feelins fer him fer e time being, cos i kept thinkin of understandin him which is giving in to him n being gd to him is being cruel to moiself.. life is simpli jus so fukin contradictin..u'll take things fer granted when u have it n u dun go fer things which is impt n i mean like waitin fer things to drop frm sky..i'm jus fukin tired of life[but doesnt mean i wanna die]i jus feel like changin lifestyle..but i scare i change le i regret so tat's e fukin contradictin part..i dun wanna think no more le..jus let e nature take its own course bah..

say sumthing happi..i won $50 todae but take cab hm left 30 nia..gotta wake up earli tml go help niang buy cny decorations fer 10 miles..

*yawn* nites to dears'

2007-02-03T04:35:00.000+08:00

was actuali sleepin earli yesterday nite as today is werkin, but all plan spoilt when my fone rang at 2 am.. its was him no one else..well,he came up n acc me, we did nothing jus lyin on e bed huggin n chatting till sleep n he went back around 5 plus,n in e end, i cant wake up today, n candy came n bash my door..n we reach werk at 3pm damn late but luckily niang off..haha..jus reach hm fukin suay play card lose 50 bucks but he win a hundred n gave me bac e money i lose..

anyway, cny is cumin n i'm not feelin happi at all, dunno y..maybe it's a cash tight year fer me bah n i'm oso fukin afraid of relatives askin me tis n tat.. especially when 2 yi say bring a bf along, where e hell i go bring one, i cant possibly bring my him go ah mah hse wad, later ah mah faint when she sees his "TIGER"n" DRAGON" on his hand how?..lols..aniwae have no plan when buyin clothes cos gotta wait fer my "HELP STAR" to borrow me e $..so like i say,i dun feel excited fer tis comin cny unless..i strike 4D tml[dreaming]..

jus wanna let u guys noe tat i feel so in love n so sweet[dun envy] n dun scold me cos i seldom have e chane to hao lian abt tis.. i thank god fer his appearence in my life n i wish tat god will bless us,i dun ask fer more jus mantain like now n its enough..dar i reali love u n thanks fer ur dotes..LUb Li..

GuanYinMah bless Shan & Li...
happiness is all i have now n money is all i need now..lolx

2007-02-01T04:23:00.000+08:00

Help to werk fer karaoke today n guess wad, i've jus reach hm, fukin tired.. but reali enjoy werkin in there, sang loads of songs n get $20 tips from customers, n get Alice mummy,my new god ma there, alice mummy is so chio n wonderful, she dotes me like her own, its real fun werkin in there get to see moi cool darling playin pool e whole afternoon in there.. tis job will be perfect if e fukin lady boss didnt eat moi pay.aniwae help out fer two days nia, who cares..

Darlin called n we chat fer 45mins, i've noe him fer 11 mths n 6 days n today is e first time we talk trueli naked[meanin talk wit no hides,dun think dirty]..i finally told him all moi feelings, he told me tis: [i'm so worried fer u tat u drop in too deep fer me till one day u'll hurt damn much, i feel so guilty n sorry to u as i only acc u once a week,i feel so grateful n thankful tat u nv make noise to me n always compromise things wit me] my tears jus simpli roll down aft these lines he said as to me, these words r more then enough, everything i sacrifice fer him became so worth it.. then i ask him abt HER, he said tat she's jus like me nv complain n nv object no matter wad he wans to do,n i ask, so u shld treasure her dun u? n he said he did feel so guilty towards her n so sorry to her but no choice he met me. my feelings were confuse at tat moment. happi or sad? cos i make him feel so terrible. n he said tat e reason y we dun finish aft so mani break up is becos we dun bear each other n i agree wit him..
our talk didnt come to any conclusion of compromise..but one thing fer sure, he loves me like i do n everythin i sacrifice fer him is so worth it..

I want him to treat HER gd.. treasure HER.. n i mean wad i say,from e bottom of moi heart..i've told myself nv go find quarrel wit him animore jus treasure him as long as i can..he's my everything..i jus wan us to stay like now, i dun wan ani status dun wan anithing, i jus wan a quarter of him n to me it's rrealli enough..i'm reali very sorry to HER.. i'll repay her next life.. i'm jus so sorry..

because i love him..

2007-01-30T14:25:00.000+08:00

WELL..it's jus so fukin BORED at hm..

2007-01-29T20:25:00.000+08:00

wad do human wan in life??
-money
-love
-career
-freedom
-happiness

i have 3 out of 5..
e 2 i'm lacking is e most important which is MONEY & CAREER..
wad shall i do? my road in career is so misty n blank cos i love to fuckin SLEEP so much..
i reali hope n wish to comitt in my werk but i simpli jus cant.. wtf
quite fed up wit moiself, wad can i do?? to leave e current job n change a new environment?
or continue? i'm so sick of thinkin..7 days a week e most i werk is 3 days,some envy me i envy n enjoy too sometimes, but when i started to "zhuan niu jiao jian" so oftenli.. i feeel so sad,i'm like a patch of mud, kay siao as life goes..not knowin wad i wan mysellf..

i'm sick of myself..

2007-01-28T06:03:00.000+08:00

Kaos..been losing a total of $100 tis two days playin dai dee.. hmmm ytd play till dawn 6am then reach hm lor.. then today slp till 4pm reach werk at 6 pm, damn busy jus e both of us werkin as niang go wedding dinner.. he miss call at 9pm..i hack care..actuali ah zhai drive me hm de.. then suddenli ah li came out.. "kay kay" walk here walk there drive his 1347 out n ask if i lose $ n say wan drive me hm so i pang seh ah zhai n follow his car...

so suay got two police stop.. i ask y he so good drive me hm, n he finally admit he is afraid tht ah zhai whu is interested in me drive me hm.. i'm shuang dao... lol.. dunno how to say aniwae he is givin in to me n we chatted all e way suanin each other n came to serious topic, he ask me wad i wan him to do..i jus kept quiet n tell him he dun have to do anithing jus ferget abt wad happen..aniwae i'm happi he's jealous, n he reali cares so muach abt me n ah zhai..

maybe i shld jus dun think further n follow e fact n truth which is i love him n need him..n tats enuff..perhaps its not a right thing to do n carry on, but i dun care so much i'm not an angel neither i wan to be a.. i jus wan wad i nid now ..

candy lecture me ytd,she say tat she feel like i'm toyin ah zhai.. but in fact i did not.. i concern him becos we r frens but candy say i shld talk things clearli to him.,AIYA so mafan lar..everythin needs my explaination n im tired of explainin so be it lar i'll jus hack care..

meet delvin fer supper aft darling drive me hm, i'm gonna intro nise to him cos i see them damn compatible lor..

i'm sleepi.. i love muai darling..

2007-01-26T00:11:00.000+08:00

guess wad, aft my entry ytd, i went to slp as i'm damn tired n sleepy. i suddenli wake up at 2 am n started to cry again, i miss him, i prank call him wit my new house phone, jus to hear his "hello" n i hang up, i kept quiet when he call back several times, n send a sorry msg aft dat. call him n i think he is wit her. n i cry like hell again, he talk to mi like normal like nothin happen.

wad e fukin hell is going on.. i dunno.. i force myself to slp, slpin is e onli time i dun think n cry, n slp at 5 am till 10 pm today, i'm fully awake, i dun yearn fer his call tml n even animore, maybe..

although i'm not totally heal or maybe there will be a scar, but i tell moiself to wake up n start a fresh frm tml to werk werk n jus werk..

i miss him..

2007-01-24T23:51:00.000+08:00

i'm so dead beat aft meetin ck n ros fer sushi session, tryin to stuff as much as i can to ferget my sadness by it din work out at all.. we sat at cavana n while they're talkin their things n i jus open my eyetap silentli, delvin called, he try to imply me to get in a new relationship in order to get out of tis but i jus dun wan n get piss n hang his phone n carry on my silent cryin again...

y cant e hell he dun be so stern, i cant take it to jus wait like a stoopid cock fer his call neither will i call him cos my face lei, but nise was rite, love impt of e fukin face impt? haiz, i'm so confused, so i jus fuck him up fer not callin mi or i shall jus talk niceli to him? i feel so vexed n tired but i jus cant slp, i noe i'm not gonna have a gd slp endless i settle all this..

shan is a bloodi loser when come to love..
i miss him.. i reali do..
*yawn* will i call him???

2007-01-24T15:37:00.000+08:00

A brand new blog created by darnise :p.

tis will replace my old n shaggy diary from today onwards.

life hasn't been smooth fer me ever since i was born. thinkin bac, my mum use to hate me n dotes on my sis alot in e past n treated me jus like a maid, i began helpin out wit household since pri 3 n ended up i got some "jie pi" now. n e worst is when my dad's biz burst n my family break up. i grew up n went through so much n therefore i'm independent n mature. things gets better now, my mum stays wit uncle n my dad stays wit aunt. i stay wit my sis wit freedom to e fullest. to me, life's short, i jus wan them to be happi wit wad they have n who they wit, i dun blame them at all.. in fact i love them n enjoy my family life..

as fer frens, thanks god fer giving nise russel yuen pat n candy to me, they r my support outside home, although we quarrel n fight, but deep down in my heart i noe i cant live w/o them in my life..they r like gems which i will nv exchange wit anything else in e world..

as fer love mah...
its saddenin, attached to ah li who is married wit a wife. i've been wit him fer almost a year. i reali love him. he went up ytd. i did sumthing stupid sayin wanna return him bac to her as i hear "ANGELS" advices. i regretted so much n cried whole nite n cant slp frm 4am when he left. To me, nothin is more then being happi in e past until i met him, his mood completeli link closeli to mine, i'm now waitin fer his calls to patch things bac. nobodi understands me, angels tells me i'm still young dun afraid cannot find one. but wtf they know? i'm not afraid cant find its tat i love him reali love to core. so i dun mind being a bitch or even a devil cos i jus wan my laughters wit him so........

*ANGELS PLS F*** OFF FROM MY LIFE.

kinda tired lackin of slp, i'll see u when i close my eyes, i hope u can feel me, my emotion n call me asap. n i wanna shout out loud to u tat i love u n i dun wan to let go u at all.. may GUANYIN MAH bless me when she hears tis...